Adoption: An Emotional Journey From Prospective Parent to Parent

Upon embarking on the process of adoption, prospective parents often express feelings of hopefulness, excitement, and impatient anticipation. However, apprehension and ambivalence are undoubtedly common as well. Like any life-changing decision, becoming an adoptive parent is an emotionally complex and highly charged process. From a practical standpoint, there is a cumbersome, costly system to navigate, and a multitude of complex choices to make. From a psychological perspective, the highs and lows of a deeply personal and unpredictable process leave hopeful parents particularly vulnerable to emotional strain. 

While every adoption process is unique, there are some general themes that emerge regarding adoptive parents’ emotional responses to the experience. Today’s blog will highlight several of these common negative emotions (there will be many positive emotions!), as well as how they may be addressed through cognitive behavioral therapy.   

Worry and Uncertainty

Perhaps the most universal emotion experienced by adoptive parents is anxiety. Prospective parents are faced with worry and uncertainty at every stage of the adoption process, as so much of the process is out of one’s control. The “what ifs” of obtaining approval to begin the adoption process, of matching with a birth mother, and of successfully completing an adoption may feel endless at times. Moreover, the high emotional and financial stakes of success versus failure give plentiful oxygen to a situation that is already extremely anxiety-inducing. 

Grief and Disappointment

Many people choose to adopt because they are unable to have a biological child, perhaps because of infertility, losses or miscarriages, the need to avoid passing on a genetic condition, or to protect the health of the prospective mother. In these cases, prospective parents may feel their dreams of having a family have been “taken” from them, as they have “lost” the ability to have a biological child. This loss can feel devastating and heartbreaking, and thus, it is natural that prospective parents would respond with grief. 

Anger and Jealousy

Alongside grief and disappointment, infertile couples who embark upon the adoption process may experience negative emotions toward others who are able to have biological children. After struggling through repeated fertility failures, many women express thoughts of “Why me?” or “Why is it so easy for her/them?” or “Why is life so unfair?” These thoughts are natural and comparing ourselves to others is human nature; however, becoming consumed by these thoughts may also lead to more persistent negative mood states, like depression.   

Utilizing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy 

Working with a cognitive behavioral therapist to address the myriad emotions described above can be very helpful during the adoption process. First and foremost, an empathic, attuned therapist can support prospective parents as they identify, verbalize and explore their thoughts and feelings around infertility and adoption. In the safety of a therapeutic environment, the sorrow of unmet expectations can be freely expressed – a process that in itself is often highly effective in helping prospective parents resolve feelings of grief and disappointment and move forward.

One hallmark of cognitive behavior therapy is helping clients recognize and reframe thoughts that are leading to emotional distress. Clinging to beliefs that are not wholly accurate or that result in sadness, anger or anxiety - often referred to as “distorted thinking” - can keep prospective parents “stuck” in a negative frame of mind. CBT teaches techniques for identifying and disputing maladaptive thoughts that contribute to negative mood states; and honing these techniques enables parents to cope with many difficult emotions that may arise throughout the adoption process.

To address the worries and uncertainties of the adoption process, CBT encourages prospective parents to undertake proactive behaviors that will give them a sense of agency in the process. Parents and therapist might brainstorm ways in which prospective parents can feel more in control, for example, deciding whether they will utilize an adoption agency, setting parameters around their preference for an open or closed adoption, or perhaps deciding what age or gender child they will adopt. Making determinations about these questions at the start of the adoption process often helps parents feel more grounded, and thereby, less affected by anxious thoughts. 

Utilizing the specialized support here at Our Wise Minds Psychotherapy can help parents emotionally prepare for the adoption process, as well as to healthily navigate its ups and downs. If you or someone you know would benefit from professional support at any point during the journey to parenthood, please reach out to Our Wise Minds.